I'm in a pickle. And right now it's the size of a cantaloupe.
So, I'm this New York actor now. I'm in all the unions, I have some good NYC credits on my resume, a decent reel, relationships with some popular casting directors and agents, and a flexible schedule.
And I'm not able to work.
See, I also have a bun in the oven. If you've been pregnant lately, you know that all those pregnancy websites describe your baby in terms of fruit. Early on, it's the size of a poppyseed, then a blueberry, then an orange, a pineapple, and finally the size of the ever-popular jackfruit. (All these fruits make me think about frozen cocktails, except the jackfruit. If memory serves from my time in Australia, a jackfruit is incredibly stinky when you cut it open, not unlike a baby's diaper.)
You may say, "What about roles for pregnant women? You could do those!" To which I'd reply, "Oh, it's you! The same person with the useful advice about not drinking too much water before I go to bed! Why didn't I think of that?" And I'd smile sweetly at you, because you mean well, but there aren't a whole lotta roles like that. Also, rehearsals (for plays, anyway) take a lot of time- my shape would completely change from the first day of rehearsal to the last night of a show.
You may say, "What about TV or movies? That girl on 'The Office' was pregnant, and they wrote that into the show. And those soap actresses just stand behind plants or carry a big purse!"
Believe me, I've been carrying some large tote bags lately, but my Window of Concealment is closing. Hell, it may be closed by Monday.
Back to the question: What's a pregnant actor to do?
Friends have made suggestions, and I have some ideas of my own. Here they are in no particular order (Try to guess which ones are mine):
-- Befriend Tina Fey. Have her write a sitcom about a pregnant 40-something year old woman, starring me. Eat brunch together every weekend, and take sailing lessons together while the wind whips through our hair and we drink champagne.
-- Write a play.
-- Go on a quest to find the best frozen dessert in the city. Leave no neighborhood unexplored. Go back for seconds, just to be sure. Then blog about it, and get Pinkberry, Ben and Jerry's, and Tas-T-Delight to sponsor the blog.
-- Take another improv class.
-- Teach Hank to say, "I love you." Create a blog for Hank, and have him be discovered by network bigwigs. Enjoy watching Hank's blossoming acting career while I stay at home with the baby, raking in the doggie paychecks.
-- Organize the data bases on our computers.
-- Experiment with a new hairstyle.
-- Shoot a series of videos wherein Pregnant Me tackles some very NON-pregnant situations, like auditioning for The Lion King, getting a part-time job at UPS, or learning the fine art of Japanese Massage.
If you have any other ideas, pass them along. I've got about 20 weeks to fill until it's ShowTime.
And by then, Junior will be the size of a watermelon.